Douchebag #2 of the day...

And the award goes to ... *drum roll*


In case you can't tell, the man behind the glasses and girls and ridiculous head accessories is Alexander Ovechkin.

He was suspended yesterday for 3 games for this hit on Zbynek Michalek (see video below).

We at DSHS applogize for Pierre McGuire's voice being in this video.

I have not watched the Shanahan explanation video but I assume it gives something similar to this explanation:

1/2 game for hitting Michalek's head
1/2 game for leaving his feet
2 games for being a complete idiot

After being suspended, Ovie decided to pull himself out of the NHL Allstar game this weekend. This is a game for the fans, and Ovie always puts on a show for the fans. Remember this?


I am inclined to believe that Ovie skipped the Allstar game because he didn't want to be sitting all by himself at the draft with Phil Kessel taking photos of him on his phone.

Perhaps the people angry at Ovie, myself included, should be more angry at the NHL for even including him in the Allstar game in the first place. What has he done this year? Besides be benched and get his coach fired. Oh an make many people angry with him, but what else is new.

To make up for having to listen to Pierre, we have included a bonus video with our post today. Enjoy.

Tim Thomas is a selfish DOUCHEBAG

....Oh yeah and the 2010-11 Stanley Cup Champion Boston Bruins went to the White House.

You have probably heard more about a someone *cough*Tim Thomas*cough* not visiting the White House than the people who actually did visit, which was the rest of the team.

You sir, Tim Thomas, were the MVP of the playoffs! You are probably the reason why the Bruins won!! They could not have done it without you!!! Good thing a trip to the White House doesn't require anyone to stop pucks. Well I guess they still have Tuukka Rask, who by the way is playing tonight in Washington. Good call Boston, good call.

Also, it has been noted by many others that Thomas was the only American on that team. *Insert Gary Bettman comment about how the NHL has to sell the game to Americans.*
Sure, you going to the White House probably wouldn't have brought in any new American fans but come on, it's a huge part of YOUR country's history!!

Too bad Thomas wasn't around during the war of 1812, he could have helped the British attempt to burn it down, maybe even use his flying poke check to knock out the supporting walls.

I a little bit of me hopes that Thomas never wins another cup and never has the chance to visit the White House again.

On a more awesome note, the 2nd biggest story out of the White House. Tomas Kaberle's attire.

Nice pinstripes man...

Side note: What happens when a Canadian team wins the Stanley Cup? Stop laughing, it might happen one day .. maybe....

What Game(s)? (Game Recap 6, 7 and 8)

Game 6:
Stars vs. Canadiens
7-2 Stars
Slip n' Slide promised us a game recap, but he's a horrible person and didn't come through. So, who knows, apparently we won 7-2, Goalie's cousin showed up and rocked a hatty.
Where did he come from?
Who knows.
Will we ever see him ourselves?
Who knows.
Did this game actually happen?
Who knows.

Game 7:
Stars vs Devils
Some score where the Devils win
Dangles tried to get rid of one of her thumbs
Legame?! takes a stick (we think) to the forearm
Highight of the game: Legame?! trips a guy good. If we were doing a full recap she would be Goon of the Game.

Game 8:
Stars vs. Kings
3-0 Kings
Waste of a game.
We couldn't buy a goal if our lives depended on it.

Our Top ten Favourite Tampa Bay Lightning Things

In anticipation of our awesome trip to Tampa Bay to see a Lightning-Wings game we have compiled ten of our favourite Lightning things.

Also I just looked up how to spell "Lightning" because for some reason I became unsure if there was/should be an "e" in the middle.

So in a slightly organized list, here goes:

10. You can go to a hockey game in a jersey... and short shorts.

We tried finding a picture for this... and decided it was more a user friendly type activity... google at your own risk.

Actually, we realized that we had a "Jersey and Short Shorts" party and it was a great success...

9. The mascot is evil

8. Most teams play soccer to warm-up. Sometimes the Lightning play basketball. We found it amusing.

7. Head coach Guy Boucher looks like Lechiffre from Casion Royale...

Insert Kp's photoshop here...

6. Ryan Malone used to play for the Penguins, then he left his hometown cause he's a greedy bastard. Luckily, it led to this fun video:

5. Martin St. Louis is one of our favourite players, mostly because of this video of shootout failure

4. Bringing a little bit of home to the NHL, you can't deny that Steven Stamkos is good, and he's from Markham... Ps Unionville sucks

3. Stevie Y, enough said

2. Simon Gagne, kp's favourite player

1. Dominic Moore, everyone's favourite player

And why shouldn't he be? If you're reading this and don't know why, you don't belong here

Easily one of the best plays ever, leave it up to Blake to not finish.

...

Insert "That's what she said" comment above

We're going to TAMPA!!!!

suck it.

How come they got fancy jerseys? (Game Recap 5)

Steelers? Really, they couldn't come up with a fun hockey related name, and had to use the name of a NFL team? *Sees jerseys* Hamilton Steelers... Ooooh, that makes more sense...Wait wtf? "Hamilton?" who stole these jersey and brought them to North York?:

Stars vs Steelers

Game Recap:

• We've never played this team before, not interesting but we thought we'd mention it
• Whatshisname scores a nice one mid-way through the first, 1-0
• Steelers come right back and score a quick on, shortest lead ever, 1-1
• Job, job, job
• Convo on the Bench:

"Are those socks orange or red?"

 "They're orange." 

"Are you sure, look at them now, they definitely look red now" 

"Hmmmm." 

"They look like the colour of Humpty Dumpty Ketchup Chips"

• Warrior Chad scores, whooooo, 2-1
• These guys seem pretty aggressive for no good reason, lamesauce
• Damnit, bad guys score, let's blame Ketchup Chips Socks for this one, 2-2
• "Let's get it back!" - Paraphernalia
• Damnit x2, bad guys score again, 3-2
• Excellent hip check by Paraphernalia, apparently the guy hit him on the boards right before... No one remembers seeing that except him, and the ref apparently. They both go off.
• Nothing else remotely exciting happened.
• Final Score: a big piss off, 3-2

Other notes:

We're starting to think we should lose like half the players just so we can get more ice time, three full lines this game.

Dangles played defence again...  Sorry Dangles rocked defence again. She might have also deserved a tripping penalty, but refs seemed to have looked the other way.

3 Stars:

1. Chad, two games two goals, can we say points streak? Hope we didn't jinx it now...
2. Anthony, making some sweet plays along the boards, and blocking shots
3. Goalie, played a good game and plus, he's cute

Healthy Scratches:

Jimmy, tiny human most likely the cause

Goon of the game:

Paraphernalia, hip check was beautiful

Hockey Related Link of the Week:

You know, if you have a spare 17 minutes, and want to get angry...

New Word: 

Mathemagically, 

As in "the Leafs can still mathemagically make the playoffs"

See you in Tampa!

I hate this team. I always feel we have a chance to beat these guys, and they always crush the dream. It helps that they have a couple guys with mad "wheels."

Yah that was lame...

Stars vs Wheels

Game Recap:

• The bad guys score a lot, we really don't like guys rocking red helmets
• Legame?! Is playing centre this game, faceoff central!
• Dangles plays defence... Just like Bates! (There are two ways to play hockey: the Bates Battaglia way, and the wrong way. Yes we are well aware Bates doesn't ACTUALLY play defence, jeez)
• Paraphernalia probably scored, 3-1
• Dangles makes their best player look silly, taking the puck off him mid-dangle, he shows his respect by taking her feet out and helping her into the boards
• Power play is crap...they get a shorty, 4-2
• D Clint tries to introduce a new rule: legal hand passes, refs didn't get the memo...either time he tried it
• Warrior Chad makes us remember why we missed him, goal, 4-2
• Whatshisname had a sweet goal, from an excellent pass from Dangles, roofed it from the faceoff circle with 5 seconds left in the second, 5-3
• F Clint gets us almost back in the game, 6-4
• 2 minutes left and 2 goals to go...
• Final Score: Stars: 4 - Wheels: 6

Other notes:

Huge bench on the Stars, waaaay too many players, someone should get sick or something

Robin is back, huge bonus, he's a great offensive player

No need for the Amber Alert either, Warrior Chad finally remembers he plays hockey...annnd lets us see the new Warrior stick. It is so ridiculously light, it is scary. Legame?! likes it until Warrior Chad lets us know that it's the stick Zetterberg is using now. Stick is no longer cool.

3 Stars:

1. Dangles, for being Bates and de-dangling the other team's offence
2. Whatshisname, epic goal, we keep telling ya, these guys are getting good
3. Legame?!, face-off circle domination...kinda, well definitely stopped their guys a lot more than normal

Healthy Scratches:

New Guy

Goon of the game:

The good red helmet guy on the other team, that was a dirty, dirty slew foot on Dangles

Hockey Related Link of the Week:

Because of Warrior Chad's return, we feel no shame in checking out Warrior's site.

We'd link right to the hockey section, but then you'd be forced to see Zetterberg's mug first thing, and we felt everyone deserved a warning about that... A warning we didn't get mind you.

Bonus Prize:

Because Legame?! was told she had no "swagger" over the weekend by an eight year old.

Yes her ego is severely bruised.

'Til next time goons and gals

WRAP AROUND! (Game Recap 3)

Looking back this was a good game, but immediately after it just hurt a lot

Stars vs Blues
1. Legame?!'s helmet threatens to fall apart
2. A whole bunch of people scored, in no particular order: Gretzky, Paraphernalia, F Clint, New Guy, and The Menace
3. F Clint's goal was a WRAP-AROUND!!!!!!!!ZOMG!!1111!!!111111!!!
4. New Guy's goal also had epic qualities, as after scoring, he tripped over the goalie and started flying. As he was flying he took out the net and landed ungracefully near the boards
5. Legame?! Hits the boards somehow, then takes a stick to tummy next shift, ouch
6. Some weird penalties, one unsportsmanlike for an offside call for the Blues, note to Dangles: don't bang your stick after something bad happens, and one to D Clint for "tripping"
7. Goalie let in one decent goal, and one he really shouldn't have
8. Game, 5-2

Other notes:
Two refs this time, still no time keeper, we just can't shake the feeling that we are getting cheated somewhere around here. Made the penalty time a little more flexible however, but that works both ways.

3 Stars:
1. F Clint, c'mon: WRAP AROUND!
2. New Guy, spectacular "goal celebration"
3. Tank, another solid game

• Goon of the Game:

Ummm, nothing very goon-like happened, sorry to disappoint everyone

• Healthy Scratches:

Jimmy, we hope
Chad, might be Amber Alert time, or maybe he's pulled a Nabokov and has refused to report

• Un-Healthy Scratches:

Slip n' Slide, apparently he got the swine again

• Hockey Related Link of the Week:

and if you want to watch it in French here's the link: Sportchek Commercial French

All-Star Fantasy Draft

In lieu of the All Star Draft happening tonight, it seems like every blog out there and their cousins and their cousin's dogs have done their own all star fantasy draft.

Given that, we've given into blog pressure (similar to peer pressure, but we have no friends so it's blog pressure), and we have done our own draft.

It's a little last minute, but maybe we'll come up with a point system to see how well our teams did, or maybe not. Don't count on it, is what we're saying. 

We've given you a round by round play-by-play, with amusing tidbits from our conversation during the draft.

Enjoy!

 

KP picked Team Lidstom, and therefore received St. Louis and Kane as part of the package deal

Because of that KC gets Eric Staal, Green, and Kesler and first pick

 

Round 1:

KC: Stamkos

 KP: I could be a douche...Fleury?

KC: jerkwadcentral

KP: Just kidding, Toews

 KC: Not Ovi?

KP: He sucks

KC: Are we picking him last?

KP: Maybe. By that I mean yes

KC: Damn that means I get Kessel

Round 2:

KC: Which one is the better Sedin? I pick him.

KP: Henrik won MVP last year

KC: BTW, I wrote "the better Sedin" down on my roster

KP: I'm taking Daniel

KC: I hope he's the suckier one, or you just wasted a pick

Round 3:

KC: Letang

KP: Ward...Cam

Round 4:

KC: MAF

KP: Burns

Round 5:

KC: Price

KP: Lunqvist

Round 6:

KC: Thomas

KP: Weber

Round 7:

KC: Boyle

KP: Damn, I wanted to have "Team Sexy"

KP: Yandle

KC: Yandle candle

Round 8:

KC: Nash

KP: Giroux

Round 9:

KC: Chara

KP: Hiller

Round 10 (heads up, this round was full of fail):

KC: Weber

KP: I took him already

KC: So?

KP: Right.

KC: Sharing?

KP: No sharing, try again

KC: Yeah, good call, sharing is for the weak

KC: Keith

KP: Ummm, Green

KC: Can't he's one of my A's

KP: Who is the other D that wears an A?

*here the conversation gets confusing, and even now we don't know what happened, but we eventually got it sorted out...

KP: M. Staal

KC: F you, I wanted a matching set

KP: Now we can trade Staal for Sedin

KC: No way

Round 11:

KC: Karlsson

KP: Perry

KC: I hate

KP: You hate Perry?!

KC: No, you

Round 12:

KC: Kopitar

KP: Buff, as in Dustin

Round 13:

KC: Richards, Brad

KP: P Sharp

Round 14:

KC: Havlat

KP: Duchene

KC: Stop reading my mind!!!!

Round 15 (KC might have tried to draft one of KP's players again, but let's not get into that):

KC: Backes

KP: Skinner

Round 16:

KC: Stastny

KP: Breezy Briere

KC: I picture him wearing a kilt now

Round 17:

KC: Elias, for my fantasy team, thought they should represent

KP: Eriksson

KC: Figured

Round 18:

KC: Kessel!

KP: Ovie!

Game On!

Well That Was a Write-Off (Game Recap 2)

Sunday night game, the end result was pretty forgettable, but why let me ruin all the fun:

Stars vs Lucky Pucks

Game Recap:

• Dangles misses the warm-up beacause she was watching the end of the Steelers-Jets game (the good guys won says Legame?! Dangles disagrees)
• Legame?! Gets run over by F Clint
• New new guy, Purple helmet, turns out to be not as good and more lazy
• Paraphernalia scores, yay, 1-0
• Pretty much right off the face off after the first goal the Lucky Pucks score, boo, 1-1
• Job job job
• Paraphernalia makes worst play of the month, "passes" the puck through his own crease, which deflects off of Tank, and right to a Luck Puck who roofs it. Goalie had no chance. 2-1 for the bad guys
• Dangles demands two more goals from Paraphernalia to make up from his epic fail moment
• Job job job
• Game ends, Lucky Pucks 2, Stars 1

Other notes:

One ref and no timekeeper, good thing nothing very exciting happened

I really want a brawl to happen, would make my life

3 Stars:

1. Tank, very solid game
2. Anthony, looks like he picked up mad skillz over the break, he is also in need of a nick name
3. Whatshisname, made some very smart plays

All our newbies are really starting to get it, makes our maternal instincts proud

Healthy Scratches:

D Clint, was going to be late, but just never showed up

Jimmy, we hope he was home with the tiny human

Unhealthy Scrathes:

Slip n' Slide, out with the flu

Goon of the game:

F Clint, for taking out his teammate

Hockey Related Link of the Week:

Second Hockey Related Link of the Week:

Because I feel this might trump the first, and emptynetters said this might have just won the internet:

http://fuldans.se/?v=gfbjmldqud

Greatest. Thing. Ever.

No really, just watch and be amazed.



This wonderful invention is going to be put to the test at the next Flyers home game. Thanks to Broad Street Hockey for the explanation on how it works, unless you want to continue to believe it's magic which is totally cool with me.

More Goalie Antics and some All Star Game Change Propositions

Justin Pogge, what did the Leafs do to your poor feeble mind?



the Score also had a sweet read on what the All Star Break should really include, you can read about it here

I'm starting to take bets on how many of our stars are going to bail on the festivities and who their replacements are going to be. Any takers?
I say if more of these guys get injured, Dom's a shoe-in.

New Goalie Helmet Regulations

This just announced by the NHL, all goaltenders doing interviews after a game must wear a football helmet. Marc-Andre Fleury the first to test this new rule.



I do appreciate when professional athletes support other teams in their city but I am sorry to say Mr. Fleury that the tradition will not carry on. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!

The Girls go to Hockey [Game Recap 1)

For some reason we feel you really really need to know what happened at our hockey games. But in telling everyone about it, we hope to make it entertaining:

Stars vs Ice Gators

Game Recap:

• Dangles decides to block a shot with the unpadded part of her arm
• Ice Gators score before anyone noticed...probably cause we were too busy watching Dangles come off the ice
• Gretzky scores
• New Guy scores
• F Clint scores making it 3-1 for the good guys
• An Ice Gator trips on blue line, takes out Legame?! Hip bone takes brunt of impact off either the ice or Gator who fell...only the hockeygods know
• Paraphernalia is hit, Dangles and Legame?! vow to get the guy back
• Paraphernalia points out that he might have possibly tripped the guy earlier and probably deserved it
• Vows revoked
• Gators cause 39485729348 offsides
• The Menace, Dangles and Legame?! have unreal shift, no goal... Legame?! needs to keep working on lifting the puck
• Big win, final score 3-1 Stars
• Goalie is proud of us

3 Stars:

1. Goalie, for the usual awesomeness
2. Supastar, for blocking shots and not Goalie's view
3. New Guy, GWG

Goon Watch:

Paraphernalia

And finally the last component to a successful game story is some sort of hockey related entertainment:

I love the original, and this version just warms my heart a little.

Peace out and keep your waffles ready.

Twitter

How twitter keeps me going during the harsh months. These guys are the players I follow, let me know your favourites, so there's more to entertain me!

Cammalleri: this guy is about as legit as you can get. Very business, and bilingual, faaaannncy.

Komisarek: I like this guy, not so much his twitter, but its summer and he is occasionally entertaining

Rupp: he's a big brother fan. And that kind of business goes a long way around here.

To possibly look forward to: a post on how to react to a goal being scored

How to watch hockey

Since we are in the long, dry, despairingly long stretch of hockey-less-ness, the number of odd internet searches has increased dramatically:

That peak in august is that desolate strip of time in between free-agent frenzy, development camp (which is barely interesting at all, but by this point we are already clinging to any actual hockey) and training camp and the pre-season hype.

So somehow I ended up searching for "knitting and hockey", which I'm not going to lie, didn't look too promising at first. Then I came across this list "How to watch a hockey game". Now the list makes some great suggestions, like number 6: Beer. (You really can't argue with that one...unless you are at the ACC in which case you are more than welcome to forgo the beer, because the prices are so ridiculous). But I thought I would redo the list and make some adjustments.

How to Watch a Hockey Game

1) If you don’t know where the puck is, don’t reveal this to anybody, you should know where the puck is. Also, if you don’t know where the puck is you are American, and probably produce FOX sports.

2) Every time your team scores express your gratitude. How you do this depends on you and the state of the game. For example you can do the stand up and spill everything on and around you with arms in the air, the appreciative clap, or the fist pump. All of these can be accompanied by some sort of vocal noise, shouts and cheers for instance. If watching the game with friends, the high five, or double high five are also good choices.

3) Every time the other team scores, complain about that one guy that always messes up, and blame it on him. If it is a playoff game, speculate out loud how it might not be a legal goal.

4) Beer. Repeat as necessary.

5) Intermissions are for washroom breaks, snack replenishment and beer fridge restocking.

6) Fights are awesome. After the fight, you may debate who won it, the answer is always the guy on your team.

7) Feel free to heckle, but make sure you can defend yourself in case someone near you doesn’t like your opinions.

8) Also, you are morally obliged to point out any smoke-shows visible during the game.

9) Support your team no matter what, if you are unsure on how to do this, ask a Leaf fan, they’ve been supporting a losing team for decades.

And because a couple of girls write this blog, here's the Ladies' version. Not saying this is necessarily how we watch hockey, but there's no saying this isn't. And you aren't likely to find out anytime soon, lack of an on-going hockey season not-withstanding.

How to Watch a Hockey Game with the Girls

1)       1) If you don’t know where the puck is, bring up your opinion of the new jerseys.

2)   2) Every time your team scores, the degree of celebration should depend on how good-looking the player that scored it was. Confess your love for said player.

Belanger stole my sweater once... in a dream.

3)   3) Every time the opposing team scores complain how ugly the player is, even if he is drool worthy. Remember he is the enemy. A gorgeous hunk of an enemy...

4)   4) Try to only take washroom breaks during intermissions, tv time outs, long delays, and when you really can’t hold it anymore, or when playing the New Jersey Devils.

5)   5) Beer. Or cooler, or wine or something even fruitier. Repeat as necessary.

6)   6) Fights look rather painful, and they never seem to lose as much padding as would be visibly appealing. Better use the time to run to the little girls room!

7)   7) Feel free to rate the players' looks whenever there is a close up of someone.

8)   8) Make sure that all your friends know when the good looking ones are on screen,

9)   9) Support the best looking players, and whatever team they’re on.

It's been a while...

I would like to formally blame our inconsistent posting on school. All the homework and studying really takes time away from blogging. Good news. School is over. Scary but good. More time to talk about all the wonderfulness of the..wait for it.....NHL STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS!!!!!


So I realize the 2nd round has already started but the NHL did not leave us enough time to think about all that went on in the 1st round. So just a few thoughts on each of the series.

Washington vs Montreal
Raise your hand if you picked Montreal to beat the Caps. 1 out of 17 people in our playoff pool picked Montreal and she is a biased crazy Habs fan, no offense. Halak was amazing and I found this fun video today, I know we are all tired of the "What if such and such did/didn't do this" commercials but you are probably gonna watch it anyways.



New Jersey vs Philadelphia
If you still thought Marty was as good as he was back when the Devils were winning cups, this series should have shown you that he is not. Everyone, even Marty, is human. (Tell that to NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson)

Buffalo vs Boston
Two words, power play. Buffalo, along with Washington do not understand the concept of having an advantage on the power play. Oh well, let's see if Rask can keep up his play.

Pittsburgh vs Ottawa
We really didn't learn anything from this series. It just proved what we already knew, Ottawa chokes in the playoffs. Enjoy the links boys.

San Jose vs Colorado
Who wants to guess how many goals the Sharks top line got in the 1st round. If you guessed 1 you would be correct. Also Dan Boyle had a game winning goal, on his own net (Nice one McCabe).

Chicago vs Nashville
Looked like Chicago was in trouble after losing game 1 because of iffy goaltending however 2 shutouts the rest of the series hopefully put those fears to rest.

Vancouver vs LA
It seems from most of the series (minus the game Raycroft finished) Luongo played very well. Perhaps we will be seing more of the Olympic gold medal winning goalie rather than the "I suck in the playoffs" goalie. Only time will tell.

Phoenix vs Detroit
Golly gosh gee, who wasn't cheering for the Coyotes to knock off the team viewed by most as the toughest 1st round opponent. It's too bad they didn't get further, but on the bright side they won't get used to having sellouts because that ain't gonna happen come October.

Perhaps tomorrow I will have some thoughts on the 2nd round of the series after all teams have play game 1.

In case you were wondering, yes we here at DSHS are experts. Thank you Andy Sutton.

GREEN MEN

they make me so happy! this isn't wrong is it?

This Takes Talent

Crappy quality...but what are you going to do about it.

I'm moving on past my bitter disappointment at the loss, by laughing at this every. time. I. see. it.

Go Finland

(who also lost last night...crap)

If I didn't hate the Red Wings I'd almost feel sorry for him...

So KP can watch this over and over again